Weeknote 2: Finding space
11 January 2026
Hello Hello! Happy new year.
Finding the space to write for myself.
I tried to sit down and write a few times, but had to walk away each time. It’s strange having such a physical reaction to writing. It felt like fight or flight, and my brain chose flight.
Over the festive period, I had a very bad reaction to some strong drugs prescribed by my GP for my arthritis. It took three weeks, two late-night A&E visits, and an ambulance call-out before people moved from saying “it’s a mental health thing” to “we think this might be a reaction to the drugs.” It was a very scary time.
I made the initial “a-ha” leap myself. I’d been keeping a diary of what I was taking and when the symptoms happened. That diary became a big help when trying to explain what was going on.
Anyway, I’m off them now. It took about five days for everything to leave my system. Right now, I’m extremely wary of taking anything new.
The small print doesn’t help. I need varifocals to read it properly (which I don’t have yet), which means straining under a bright light. I often think how much easier this would be if it were written on a simple HTML page, where I could scan the content and read comfortably.
I tried to report my experience using the Yellow Card Scheme, a government service run by the MHRA to report adverse drug effects. I fell at the first hurdle. It didn’t recognise the name of the drug as written on the box, and there was no clear unhappy path for people who aren’t sure what to do. (After publishing edit: To be kind, I found one, but it’s hidden away)
I’m going to pop into my pharmacy and ask for help. Perhaps they understand how to use it better than I do. I suspect there’s a medical Latin name I’m not using. It’s been a real reminder that when services rely on expert knowledge, they can fail when you’re unwell and not thinking clearly.
More living in the middle-space
I’ve been thinking a lot about living in extremes, and how that isn’t great for me.
What’s happened with my health has pulled me towards fear and sadness. Coming back to work, though, has sometimes felt euphoric. It’s given me a sense of purpose again.
Living in extremes isn’t healthy. The lows are obviously bad, but the highs come with a crash, this took me by surprise when I returned to work. I’m glad it’s been done in a phased way.
I think I’ve learnt that recovery, for me, means trying to spend as much time as possible in something I’m thinking of as ‘the middle-space’.
The middle-space still includes constant pain and poor mobility. But it also includes days when things are a bit better. Days where I can stretch a little more. It’s doing some good work, getting out of the house for a walk, having a nice cup of tea, going to the cinema, or reading a book.
It’s about keeping my energy balanced, so one extreme doesn’t take over.
If I focus on one thing in early 2026, it will be trying to notice when I’m living in an all-or-nothing space, and gently trying to return to the middle.
100 days
On Friday, I hit 100 days sober from caffeine, alcohol, red meat, and processed food.
It’s been a huge change. It turns out that pain and fear are very effective motivators.
Eating more healthily and managing the uric acid in my blood have become essential life changes. I’ve never managed to make changes like this stick before. Seeing the difference in myself is becoming a reward in its own right.
I hope that, over time, and in pursuit of the middle-space, those rewards become the main driver.
More things in the middle-space (what I’ve been into)
📚 I finished Slow Gods. I gave it 4.5 out of 5 on StoryGraph. It’s a more-ish universe, full of both love and darkness. I wanted to read more, especially about what happens at the end, which feels like a good sign. I haven’t picked up my next book yet, but I’m thinking it will be The Tainted Cup.
📽️ I saw a few films. Fackham Hall is quite possibly the worst film I’ve watched in a long time. Don’t waste your money. I also saw Blue Moon, which was fantastic. It felt like watching a play at the theatre. Ethan Hawke’s performance was emotional and funny, and a real pleasure to watch. I’m going to reward myself for writing this by going to see Marty Supreme. I’ve been going to my local theatre a lot lately, even just for cups of tea. It’s been a real lifeline.
♟️ I’ve got really into playing *Ark Nova* on Board Game Arena. I’ve spent time learning strategies, thinking about efficiencies, and understanding the best choices in different situations. It’s been rewarding to play with friends, especially Katy, Max, and Zuz, as we can do that remotely while I’m finding travelling difficult. It also has a very challenging solo mode, which I’ve enjoyed.
Making the space to nurture an accessibility community of practice
Sally, Marco, and I ran an all-day accessibility workshop to welcome the team back after the new year. It marked 13 months of monthly sessions or activities run by our accessibility community of practice in Pay. The work is still nascent, but it’s having a positive impact.
Eighteen people attended and tried out accessibility personas on their own laptops. It was a great way to build empathy for the challenges people face when using government services.
In the afternoon, we worked through a step-by-step guide for doing a basic accessibility check. This sparked a lot of interesting discussion that wouldn’t have emerged otherwise.
We started planning on Tuesday. I arrived with some pre-defined ideas, shaped by earlier conversations with Sally. Marco suggested that one of those ideas might not be right for this moment, and they were spot on right.
That reminder helped us hold ideas more loosely and change our minds quickly. We spent about half a day simplifying the agenda. The success of the day came from taking things away, not adding more.
This workshop was the first delivered key result from the group’s five Objectives and Key Results (OKRs). I’m proud of the work we did to get there. We used a short sequence of workshops: Eco-Cycle, 9 Whys, Min Specs, and a variant of Purpose to Practice to arrive at goals the whole group feels motivated by. I’m expecting big things from this group in 2026.
This work has also helped me learn how to use OKRs in a more agile way. In the past, I’ve struggled with them when they were mainly about reporting or governance. With this group, I’m experimenting with using OKRs as a planning tool instead. I’m finding it helps me focus on getting things done.
After the workshop I got some feedback that I’m good at making space for things. I found that helpful, because it’s something I try to do deliberately.
In practice, communities of practice need time, attention, and permission to happen. As a delivery manager, some initiatives need space to grow if they’re going to be effective. That often means letting them sit slightly outside the day-to-day work of the delivery team, and bringing a wider group of people together.
Next week, I’ll be thinking about the experience of going through a PCI assessment. I’ll be bringing a lot of this learning into that work too.
What, so what, now what?
I also rewrote an old guide I have on running “What, so what, now what?” I’ve learned more about plain English and being less wordy since I first wrote it. You might want to take a look.
What
- OKRs help me do the minimum amount of planning
- People find clear, collaborative OKRs motivating
- Making services that work is hard work
- 100 days sober
- The small print on drugs is really important
- I’ve spent too long living in extreme spaces
- Doing less matters
So what
- Living in extremes for too long isn’t healthy
- I can build on my own motivation
- People care about making accessible services
- I’m living through a very challenging time
- I can still do great work
- I can make time for myself
- It’s not a surprise that “do less” is a GDS design principle
Now what
- Start the next book
- Get help using the Yellow Card service
- Keep asking: how can I make this simpler?
- Delete, delete, delete
- Go see more films
That feels like a good place to stop. Time for some more middle-space. This time it’s Marty Supreme. Bye.